....but still we have to move on with our lives.
Today have been a day full of thoughts, since I've been off work because of a son being sick, and the thoughts have all been about my dad that passed 2,5 years ago. Then you may ask....what does this have to do with Celine? Well.....Celine has played a huge part in my life through her music, and she has in that way helped me to move on.
My parents split when I was 6, and I remember the day my father left as it was yesterday. I was very eager to go with him to see where he was going to live, but he wouldn't let me. He told me he would come back another day to pick me up.....it never happened. And this was when all the disappointments started. Yes, I did go visit my dad every second weekend, but it was not because he wanted....my mom told him to, and I was the only one out of 3 sisters that did. My 3 sisters were an age that they could choose themselves, and they chose not to be with him those weekends. For the record, I'm the youngest one of 4 kids.
The stays at my dad was not at all joyous. Early I had the feeling that he didn't actually care about either me nor my sisters. He also had a new wife and I had a half sister that was only 8 months younger than me. Her mother and she often turned against me, maybe because I was his daughter and in that way not a part of them....I don't know. Being in that situation as a child was HARD. One day I told straight forward that I didn't want to stay with them for the rest of the weekend. My dad told...ok...go call your mom. The only problem was that my mom wasn't home, so what to do? I called a dear neighbor and asked if I could stay at their place, without telling my dad. I just told him it's ok...you can drive me home...and he did. He didn't even CHECK if my mom was home. He just let me off in the yard and drove away. I stayed at my neighbors place that night...thank God for loving neighbors.
My entire childhood have been centered around a lack of my biological dad. A dad that never cared, because he was just too self-centered. A dad with a completely lack of empathy. A dad that was mean, both psychologically and physically towards my mom and some of my siblings. Another thing is that I feel we were raised learning to hate our dad. Yes, he did stupid things, but still he was my dad.....a child will always love its parents no matter what. It's our flesh and blood, and I tried so hard so many times....but in the end I had to give up on trying and just face the fact that this is my life.
A kid shouldn't have to connect this kind of lyrics to a parent..... http://youtube.com/watch?v=pLfy1XiQpEU
It has for sure given me some rough times throughout the years, but it has also taught me a lesson. NEVER ignore the people that loves you!!!! It's all about giving and taking. Even though I think it's hard to get I do for sure give. I've given so much if myself all the time it lead to panic/anxiety attacks. I never saw myself.....I have always been there for others....family, friends, my husband, my sons.....I did EVERYTHING.....but taking care of myself.
The panic/anxiety attack happened....sad but true...when I travelled all alone to Las Vegas to see Celine's show. Suddenly had had just myself to think of....I could spend the days in Vegas like I wanted to. I think it got a bit too much....so it all turned out bad. But I got through it.....it took a long time and hard work, but I made it. I still have some off moments, but I can manage.
And Celine....her voice and lyrics has played a HUGE part in my life, she has made me cope with the most difficult times. So Celine....THANK YOU SO MUCH for being there for me when I needed it the most. If you only knew.